When you hear “gentle parenting,” what comes to mind? For many, the word gentle might suggest permissiveness or a lack of structure, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Let’s break it down by looking at the four main parenting styles recognized in child development today: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful.
Every household tends to fall into one of these categories — whether intentionally or subconsciously — and each style is defined by two key factors:
Responsiveness: How emotionally supportive and attuned a parent is to their child’s needs.
Demandingness: How much structure, rules, and expectations the parent enforces.
Understanding the Spectrum
- High responsiveness = Warmth, active listening, emotional availability
- Low responsiveness = Emotional distance, lack of support
- High demandingness = Clear expectations, consistent boundaries
- Low demandingness = Few rules, little guidance or enforcement
Authoritative Parenting (a.k.a. Gentle Parenting)
This is the gold standard — and yes, it’s what many today refer to as gentle parenting. The term was popularized by author Sarah Ockwell-Smith, but the principles closely align with what developmental psychology has long recognized as authoritative parenting.
Authoritative (gentle) parenting strikes a healthy balance: high responsiveness and high demandingness. These parents combine warmth and open communication with consistent expectations and fair discipline.
You’ll hear things like:
“I understand you’re upset. Let’s talk about it.”
“Here are the rules, and here’s why they matter.”
Children raised in authoritative homes often develop:
- Strong social-emotional skills
- Healthy self-esteem
- Independence and confidence
(Miller, 2023)
Unfortunately, the term “gentle” can be misunderstood. Some people confuse it with permissiveness or being overly soft — but gentle does not mean passive. It’s intentional, responsive, and structured. It’s firm in their boundaries, but open and understanding in their emotions.
Authoritarian Parenting
This style is high in demandingness but low in responsiveness. Rules are rigid, emotions are discouraged, and questioning authority isn’t allowed.
Common phrases might sound like:
“Because I said so.”
“You don’t have a choice.”
This approach often leads to children who:
- Appear obedient, but lack self-confidence
- May struggle with anxiety or decision-making
- Have difficulty expressing their feelings
(Gfroerer et al., 2019)
You may recognize this style from how your own parents were raised, or how they raised you.
Neglectful Parenting
Also called uninvolved parenting, this style is low in both responsiveness and demandingness. These parents are disengaged — emotionally and physically — and often fail to meet basic caregiving needs.
Children raised in neglectful homes may:
- Struggle academically
- Experience low self-worth
- Have trouble forming secure relationships
(Baumrind, 1991)
This is widely regarded as the most damaging style.
Permissive Parenting
Permissive parents are high in warmth but low in structure. They are emotionally supportive but avoid setting or enforcing limits.
You might hear:
“I don’t want to upset them.”
“They’re just expressing themselves.”
While less harmful than neglectful parenting, permissive households can still result in:
- Poor self-regulation
- Disrespect for boundaries
- Impulsive or bossy behavior
(Miller, 2023)
In my opinion, permissive parenting may be just as problematic in the long run, especially when it’s mistaken for being gentle.
Gentle Parenting Final Thoughts
Gentle parenting — also known as authoritative parenting — isn’t soft or permissive when practiced correctly. It’s a research-supported approach that blends empathy with boundaries, nurturing with expectations, and connection with consistency.
In fact, many of you may already be doing it at home without realizing it.
Gentle parenting doesn’t mean you can’t say no. It means you set boundaries from a place of self-regulation and calm, not control or frustration. You explain the why behind your rules, follow through consistently, and stay emotionally connected — even during discipline.
It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being intentional, respectful, and firm with love.
Be sure to check out the “Parenting Style Conversation Snippets” under Resources in Parent-Teacher Tools!
This printable highlights several everyday scenarios and shows how each parenting style — authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful — differs in conversation and response.
Please remember: Every child is unique. How you respond may vary depending on your child’s temperament, what triggered the behavior, and whether it’s a one-time event or a recurring pattern.
References
Baumrind, D. (1991). The impact of parental style on teenage competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56-95.
Gfroerer, K. P., Kern, R. M., & Curlette, W. L. (2019). The influence of parenting styles on children’s mental health. Journal of Individual Psychology, 75(1), 3-17.
Miller, D. F. (2023). Positive child guidance (9th ed.). Cengage Learning U.S.
Featured Image:
Photo by: KATRIN BOLOVTSOVA
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